I am not good with expressing my emotions. Be it human nature, the stoic Asian way, a brave face, whatever…apart from rage or hiding behind a computer screen, I’m horrible with it.
When it is a deep hurt, I used to role play some tragic way-more-dramatic-than-reality-but-the-pain-level-was-the-same scenario and through that, the tears would begin to flow.
I haven’t really done that since I met theboy. I haven’t needed to. The hurts have started to hurt less, yknow?
But here we are. Again. For the third time. Back at the hospital. Back to struggling with the but-you-just-stopped-the-antibiotics-and-just-said-he-would-be-okay. Back to fighting the battle of keeping our hopes up while the gut is sinking.
His mom was up for a promotion this month but is now going to pass it up because it’s just too much. I have been struggling with keeping my head afloat while working and schooling and grad-apping and trying to make sure theboy is okay while still doing me. And I too, am ready to throw in the towel on this grad-app round because it really. is. too. much.
I had a friend prod and ask why I was even applying this year, that it didn’t seem like I wanted it that much.
And you know what, maybe I don’t. If never getting into grad school and never becoming an SLP and working in my administrative position forever - if all of that meant Troy was healthy again and we were off this hellish ride, then maybe that’s all I need in my life.